I am such a worrier. And I'm indecisive, too. And boy, do those not go hand in hand. And I tend to speak all my anxieties out loud to the people around me because I'm awful at bottling things up--which can be annoying as FUCK to those around me. I will repeat the same worries out loud until I can mentally resolve it. But it makes me realize that no one else is really worried about the things I am worried about. Why am I the only one worrying about these things? I worry about the most trivial things in the moment, and I create most of these anxieties in my own head. Yesterday, I literally found myself worrying about whether or not I wore the "right hat" to go skiing. Like, color wise. I had two hats in my backpack. I am sure they would both do a dandy job of keeping my head warm, yet there I was...debating...for minutes... like damn (jackie I can't control the weather), just wear a freakin' hat and enjoy your night. The other night, I got incredibly anxious that I wouldn't be able to find my way to the Kohl Center, as I don't live in Madison and my phone doesn't work without wifi. I knew that it was a direct straight shot from Spring St. But...what if I got lost? Or took the wrong path? Wait, what if I get a parking ticket? Oh my god I'm gonna be late. What if no one saved me a seat? And right now, I am editing this as I posted it because I'm worried my writing won't be good enough or my thoughts interesting enough. My brain is constantly fabricating its own reality that well, ruins things for me. I am constantly spoiling moments with worries that aren't relevant to anything and will likely not happen. I over complicate life in places it should not be.
I worry about the future, a lot. I'll be moving out for the first time. Will I be happier? Will I wish I hadn't done it? What if my best friends/roommates and I get into a fight? How much will I miss the childhood farm I grew up on, and the open spaces of greenery to spend my summer days in? Is my major right for me? What if it leads me to a boring, monotonous job that I end up resenting? I'm terrified of the typical routine of adulthood and 9 to 5s. And what if I don't get even get accepted into my transfer school? And will I ever have the courage and means to genuinely pursue my dreams, and the travel I want to do, regardless of the foolishness of it? Will I be as bold and daring as I say I will be? Will I live my life and voice my opinions how I want to, or how others want me to? I think about these things a lot, and then I spiral into a hole of anxious thoughts building one after another, and they all start with "what if?" What if this happens, what if it doesn't? I've found that most of these thoughts control my actions and decisions, not me.
I used to be very active on my uh, finsta. I was never cool enough to post thirst traps on that, just could never really nail those angles. Hm. I used it like most do, as a personal diary of my worries and days, venting and ranting and just spilling all my thoughts into long, exhaustive paragraphs for anyone to read. I didn't really care who read it, I just needed place to put my thoughts where my hands could keep up with the words running through my head. My whole life was on there, until I just...stopped typing.
I revisited my account today and scrolled through all my own posts, reading my rambling and nervous captions. I had a lot of boy problems and then not enough of them. I had anxieties about if I was good enough, talented enough to sing in front of people. I had anxieties about UW Band and the time consumption--was I really happy, or was I just busy? I had anxieties about growing up, about whether or not I was living my life to the fullest. FOMO, I tell ya. I wrote about so many of my personal problems on there. And now, when I look back, they are so, so, SO damn small. Like, every single one of my worries in the past has resolved itself. I wouldn't have remembered any of my problems if I didn't go back and see physical documentation of it.
But naturally, worries that are resolved get replaced with new worries. That's okay, it's only human. But the problem is, my problems aren't truly realistic. None of them exist in the concrete world. I create most of my problems inside the nooks of my own brain. I create the problems because I overthink, I wonder what other people think about me, I care too much about others' opinions, and my insecurities fill in the blanks of my life.
And those worries sometimes take up more of my brain than my excitement, love, or want to enjoy life. And I ALLOW it. Why do I allow the negative parts of me to occupy more space in my brain than the positive parts of me?
I ruin so much of my life for myself by simply thinking...too much. My favorite moments of life are where I am not connected to my phone, but the people around me. The types of people that soothe my worries, not fuel them.
And I need to be that type of person for myself. I can't rely on my best friends or the people around me to reassure me, only myself. Because everything I am worried about or anxious about now, all of my constructed problems and negative thoughts, will be gone so soon. None of my problems I had written about so anxiously and desperately exist now. Life resolves itself, and if it doesn't, you gotta take the reins and do it yourself. And I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to steering the reins of my own brain. I don't have control over what happens to me, but I do have entire control over how I handle and react to it.
I worry about the future, a lot. I'll be moving out for the first time. Will I be happier? Will I wish I hadn't done it? What if my best friends/roommates and I get into a fight? How much will I miss the childhood farm I grew up on, and the open spaces of greenery to spend my summer days in? Is my major right for me? What if it leads me to a boring, monotonous job that I end up resenting? I'm terrified of the typical routine of adulthood and 9 to 5s. And what if I don't get even get accepted into my transfer school? And will I ever have the courage and means to genuinely pursue my dreams, and the travel I want to do, regardless of the foolishness of it? Will I be as bold and daring as I say I will be? Will I live my life and voice my opinions how I want to, or how others want me to? I think about these things a lot, and then I spiral into a hole of anxious thoughts building one after another, and they all start with "what if?" What if this happens, what if it doesn't? I've found that most of these thoughts control my actions and decisions, not me.
I used to be very active on my uh, finsta. I was never cool enough to post thirst traps on that, just could never really nail those angles. Hm. I used it like most do, as a personal diary of my worries and days, venting and ranting and just spilling all my thoughts into long, exhaustive paragraphs for anyone to read. I didn't really care who read it, I just needed place to put my thoughts where my hands could keep up with the words running through my head. My whole life was on there, until I just...stopped typing.
I revisited my account today and scrolled through all my own posts, reading my rambling and nervous captions. I had a lot of boy problems and then not enough of them. I had anxieties about if I was good enough, talented enough to sing in front of people. I had anxieties about UW Band and the time consumption--was I really happy, or was I just busy? I had anxieties about growing up, about whether or not I was living my life to the fullest. FOMO, I tell ya. I wrote about so many of my personal problems on there. And now, when I look back, they are so, so, SO damn small. Like, every single one of my worries in the past has resolved itself. I wouldn't have remembered any of my problems if I didn't go back and see physical documentation of it.
But naturally, worries that are resolved get replaced with new worries. That's okay, it's only human. But the problem is, my problems aren't truly realistic. None of them exist in the concrete world. I create most of my problems inside the nooks of my own brain. I create the problems because I overthink, I wonder what other people think about me, I care too much about others' opinions, and my insecurities fill in the blanks of my life.
And those worries sometimes take up more of my brain than my excitement, love, or want to enjoy life. And I ALLOW it. Why do I allow the negative parts of me to occupy more space in my brain than the positive parts of me?
I ruin so much of my life for myself by simply thinking...too much. My favorite moments of life are where I am not connected to my phone, but the people around me. The types of people that soothe my worries, not fuel them.
And I need to be that type of person for myself. I can't rely on my best friends or the people around me to reassure me, only myself. Because everything I am worried about or anxious about now, all of my constructed problems and negative thoughts, will be gone so soon. None of my problems I had written about so anxiously and desperately exist now. Life resolves itself, and if it doesn't, you gotta take the reins and do it yourself. And I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to steering the reins of my own brain. I don't have control over what happens to me, but I do have entire control over how I handle and react to it.
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