I would be lying if I said I didn't want him back. I do, so badly. I miss him a lot. My heart physically aches most of the day. Sometimes I can't breathe very well. Sometimes I desperately want to be mad at him. It would make things so much easier. But he is a gem of a guy and I was very happy with him. I don't have any negative feelings towards him, only wishful. I wish we could have talked things through instead of ending things right away, but I cannot force him to have feelings that are not there. Relationships are two sided, and I cannot play both sides. And that's okay. It is so hard, but I have to accept things. I wish he felt the same way about me as I do about him. It leaves me wondering if there was something wrong with me. I know there isn't, but I can't help but wonder if he could change me, what would he change? I know I shouldn't ever want to change for someone if I am doing nothing wrong, but a part of me would want to tweak the little things about me in order to fit to what he wants. But that is not something people talk about. I know that I am proud of who I am as a human being. I know the best and worst parts of me, and I stand by them all. I do not want to change who I am other than to grow into the best version of me. I know that he simply did not want to be in a relationship at the moment, but, what if?
I had a lot of feelings for this guy. Like, a lot. I was pretty sure he was going to be the first person I ever fell in love with. I think I was beginning to fall.
Most of my life, I have been single. I LOVED being single. Oh gosh, I would avoid relationships like the plague. Heck no, I don't want to be tied to someone! I have always had a strong sense of self, and I always viewed relationships as almost an obstacle in the way of my goals. I don't want to be slowed down. I am full of dreams and passion and ambition and a love for life, and I had never met a boy who would become more important than that to me. I didn't want to. I liked to feel free and like my own person.
I would date someone for a few weeks, feel stuck or tied down, and shyly break up with them over like, text or something ridiculous. But I had never met a guy like this. When we first met, things felt sparkly. We had so much in common. Someone not afraid to be themselves, and to boldly go about life so. Conversations lasted for hours. Even his OUTFITS reminded me of me. We even had the same birthday. WHAT? Okay, coincidence but WHAT? I don't want to go into too much detail in order to protect the person that this relates to, but in summary, I was happy. I had found someone for the first time that I didn't want to run away from out of fear of being slowed down or something. I had found someone that felt like they were on my side, my partner.
Anyways, after the break up, it has been difficult. I am very fortunate that we ended on very good terms and things will soon return back to a new normal. Friends. I am learning and pushing myself to be okay with this. It will take time, but it will come.
Today, I cried while curling my hair. I cried on my way to school, I cried at school, and I cried driving to band practice. Luckily, my mascara AND eyeliner stayed in tact. PHEW, thank you, Maybelline. Anyways, I got better today. It's only the second day, and things hit in waves, but today was okay. Manageable. I skipped my second class because I ended up breaking down in tears in the Clarion office again. I talked with Michelle and Amara for an hour about their break up experiences and how they bettered themselves from it. I learned a lot. I even took notes. I've never been through a break up before where I was the one who got truly hurt. It is a process, but I am learning a lot about myself.
I had a lot of feelings for this guy. Like, a lot. I was pretty sure he was going to be the first person I ever fell in love with. I think I was beginning to fall.
Most of my life, I have been single. I LOVED being single. Oh gosh, I would avoid relationships like the plague. Heck no, I don't want to be tied to someone! I have always had a strong sense of self, and I always viewed relationships as almost an obstacle in the way of my goals. I don't want to be slowed down. I am full of dreams and passion and ambition and a love for life, and I had never met a boy who would become more important than that to me. I didn't want to. I liked to feel free and like my own person.
I would date someone for a few weeks, feel stuck or tied down, and shyly break up with them over like, text or something ridiculous. But I had never met a guy like this. When we first met, things felt sparkly. We had so much in common. Someone not afraid to be themselves, and to boldly go about life so. Conversations lasted for hours. Even his OUTFITS reminded me of me. We even had the same birthday. WHAT? Okay, coincidence but WHAT? I don't want to go into too much detail in order to protect the person that this relates to, but in summary, I was happy. I had found someone for the first time that I didn't want to run away from out of fear of being slowed down or something. I had found someone that felt like they were on my side, my partner.
Anyways, after the break up, it has been difficult. I am very fortunate that we ended on very good terms and things will soon return back to a new normal. Friends. I am learning and pushing myself to be okay with this. It will take time, but it will come.
Today, I cried while curling my hair. I cried on my way to school, I cried at school, and I cried driving to band practice. Luckily, my mascara AND eyeliner stayed in tact. PHEW, thank you, Maybelline. Anyways, I got better today. It's only the second day, and things hit in waves, but today was okay. Manageable. I skipped my second class because I ended up breaking down in tears in the Clarion office again. I talked with Michelle and Amara for an hour about their break up experiences and how they bettered themselves from it. I learned a lot. I even took notes. I've never been through a break up before where I was the one who got truly hurt. It is a process, but I am learning a lot about myself.
Comments
Post a Comment