I told Josie and Zoe today that I thought I was done with the crying. I went to Zoe's after band practice to talk about things. Sharing with people and being open about my life helps me a lot. I need to connect with others in order to heal.
I was definitely wrong about the crying part! I wonder if he cries about me. I wonder if he is going through the same pain as me. I wonder if he thinks about me, and misses me. I wonder what is going through his mind. If he regrets things.
I have to remind myself of the way things are. I don't want to be friends with him, I want to be with him. It will take me a while to not feel that way. How do I find someone else? How do I find someone to make me happier? Is there someone? I am spinning in circles of endless questions that I can only surmise the answers to. I want to ask him so many questions, I want to text him so badly, but I know I shouldn't. But...I am also impulsive and nosy. I am trying to keep my hands occupied typing on here instead of on my phone.
The night time is the worst. I am not surrounded by friends and people to comfort me, nor the bustle and distract of every day life. All my support is also at their own homes, doing their own thing. It is up to me to control my emotions and deal with myself. I can't help but look at old pictures. It makes my heart ache and my eyes water looking at his smile and remembering how things were. But I'm addicted to that feeling. I'm addicted to remembering the good times and the special moments.
The relationship was short. But that doesn't mean it meant any less to me. I was falling into something good. But I have to remind myself of the moments I didn't like to much, either. I have to be fair with myself and not paint myself a dreamy, rose-tinted reality. He was the first guy that I was truly happy and proud of being with. I have never felt that before. I hadn't felt that kind of...affection and craved that from someone before. I wanted to be with him all the time.
But things weren't perfect. I don't want to publish too many of the negatives in order to avoid conflicts and hurt feelings, but these are my feelings, too. We both agreed that our chemistry changed. We hopped into the relationship quickly and things changed as our differences became more apparent. Things just...faded over time. And that's okay. He didn't want to be in a relationship, and I did. We are at two different points in our lives. It was nothing either of us did, just simply different wants. And I'm beginning to become okay with that.
I was definitely wrong about the crying part! I wonder if he cries about me. I wonder if he is going through the same pain as me. I wonder if he thinks about me, and misses me. I wonder what is going through his mind. If he regrets things.
I have to remind myself of the way things are. I don't want to be friends with him, I want to be with him. It will take me a while to not feel that way. How do I find someone else? How do I find someone to make me happier? Is there someone? I am spinning in circles of endless questions that I can only surmise the answers to. I want to ask him so many questions, I want to text him so badly, but I know I shouldn't. But...I am also impulsive and nosy. I am trying to keep my hands occupied typing on here instead of on my phone.
The night time is the worst. I am not surrounded by friends and people to comfort me, nor the bustle and distract of every day life. All my support is also at their own homes, doing their own thing. It is up to me to control my emotions and deal with myself. I can't help but look at old pictures. It makes my heart ache and my eyes water looking at his smile and remembering how things were. But I'm addicted to that feeling. I'm addicted to remembering the good times and the special moments.
The relationship was short. But that doesn't mean it meant any less to me. I was falling into something good. But I have to remind myself of the moments I didn't like to much, either. I have to be fair with myself and not paint myself a dreamy, rose-tinted reality. He was the first guy that I was truly happy and proud of being with. I have never felt that before. I hadn't felt that kind of...affection and craved that from someone before. I wanted to be with him all the time.
But things weren't perfect. I don't want to publish too many of the negatives in order to avoid conflicts and hurt feelings, but these are my feelings, too. We both agreed that our chemistry changed. We hopped into the relationship quickly and things changed as our differences became more apparent. Things just...faded over time. And that's okay. He didn't want to be in a relationship, and I did. We are at two different points in our lives. It was nothing either of us did, just simply different wants. And I'm beginning to become okay with that.
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